On failure

To fail or not to fail, what a question is that? Failure is one of those horrible, dirty words that leaves tremors in its wake and a foul taste in the mouth. I only have a couple days left before leaving on my longest ever cycling trip, planned months ago with dreamy eyes and hopes for adventure… so, just before departure, my thoughts and ambitions are now turning to doubts and fears. What if I don’t make it? What if my knees once again buckle and I am immobilised? What will everyone think if I have to give up?

Need I say, these things are not helpful to dwell on. So, I’m going to digest those fears a bit and make them more palatable.

Failures can be tricky beasts to deal with. Having recently finished a PhD, I am very well versed in feeling the doom from impending failures of all sorts. Failure to finish on time. Failure to get the computer code to run. Failure to write the perfect thesis. Failure to dedicate time to friends and family. Failure to wait till after 12pm for my lunch break with everyone else… (but I was HUNGRY at 10.30am, ok??).

Try as I might to deal with these failures with ever more ambitious plans, I learned the hard way that perfectionism is a feeble weapon to wield. I’d attempt to face one failure head on, battering it with my Stick of Perfectionism, only to succumb to another failure sneaking up from behind. The internal monologue might go something like this: ‘I’ll tweak the wording here to make it a bit more perfect… just a bit more… and here, this isn’t right…‘, then suddenly realise that I’ve not spoken a word of non-work to anyone for a week and my meals have turned into a series of snacks. Then, realising this, I’d launch into making a meal-plan with designated times to socialise. And then, inevitably, feel guilty for not spending enough time working. More control is always the answer, right?

Mmm… perhaps not. Attempting to craft the Perfect Stick of Perfectionism is an easy trap to fall into. I can say from experience that instead of fending off failure, you’ll most likely end up with a mighty pain from the whittled-down Thorn of Perfectionism and a guilty ache from yet another list of not-done to-do’s and topsy-turvy priorities. Thus, the weapon of choice against failure becomes another failure to dislodge. As you may understand, the experience can be overwhelming and really not great.

From the trials and tribulations of surviving a wretchedly difficult PhD, I’ve learned a few transferable ideas:

Number One: other people’s ideas of failure do not have to become your idea of failure too.

This is an extremely important one. If you’re worried about something, give it a prod to find out why. Is it because of external expectations which you have set upon yourself, or is it a failure of your own creation? My fear of not completing this long ride is in part because I’d be disappointed in myself and don’t want to miss out on a great adventure, but more because I’m worried about admitting my failure to other people. There. Failure identified. So instead of defining this ride by an unhelpful ‘finished/ not finished’ dichotomy, I’m going to re-frame it. For me, success will be giving it a go and being brave enough to stop if it is unwise for me to continue. Failure will be pushing myself beyond breaking point, even if that point comes along on the first day. I’ve done as much as I can to fend off that particular failure with training and physio over the last many weeks, but who knows what will happen! Either way, I shall have something to write about.

Number two: failure means you’re learning.

Some failures are unpredictable. Some failures stick around and glare at you, wherever they came from. Some failures build on failures, tumbling over failures. But there is a way to deal with them. It isn’t easy. It can be downright uncomfortable. But you can try to accept them. Feel those failures morph into companions when you give them a good hug. Every one of those failures will arm you with an experience to learn from and shape who you are in some, small way.

In a somewhat lighthearted example, my many, many computer coding failures shaped my work and came out in force when I was defending my thesis to my examiners. So it ran (on repeat, for three hours):

Examiner: ‘Why didn’t you do […x…]?’

Me: ‘Tried it, didn’t work.’

Learning from failures is life, yes?…

Me: ‘I’ll just ride this bit further, it’ll be fine.’

Also me: ‘Remember last time when you did that and you […insert: ran out of water/ ran out of food/ damaged your knees/ got lost/ had to fix a puncture by yourself on the roadside/ etc…].’

Me: ‘Yeah, but it’ll be fine this time, because I’ve got: […insert: extra supplies/ extra training/ extra experience/ damn luck/ naive optimism/ a map…]!’

… Me later: ‘Huh. Well, I didn’t expect […insert: another unforeseen problem to try and avoid next time…].’

Failures happen to all of us, all the time. There is very little point in making monsters out of them when they can become powerful allies in dealing with whatever else confronts you. So, should this big, long bike ride turn out to be a terrible idea, I will at least learn why it might be a terrible idea and maybe come up with less terrible ideas in future.

Number three: some failures are unavoidable.

Quite often, doing one thing will mean failing to do another. In deciding to write this blog post, I am failing to finish packing. But not writing this post means leaving my fears of failure unarticulated, lurking in the back of my mind.

Each choice comes with it’s own multitude of failings. No choice is perfect. Ever. No matter how much greener that grass looks over there where that other choice was.

I do firmly believe, even if I sometimes forget it, that indecision can be the greatest failing. Not doing things out of fear of failure means missing out on all the things which don’t fail and learning from the things that do. Of course, choosing to do nothing is sometimes the most sensible option. But dithering is not choosing. So accept that you will fail, choose your failures (see Number One), embrace those failures (see Number Two), and go. It’ll be fine!

As one of my very best friends has been telling me for years: you are free to fail in any way you choose. The options of failure are as wide as your imagination can make them! Isn’t that a liberating thought?